Times We Can't Return To
by ZirciX
Summary: Time flowes slowly, but steadily, as she watches the seasons come and go. Next year, the sakura trees will bloom, and the birds will chirp. The greenery will sprout once more, and the snow will dissolve into spring... But they won't be here anymore.


**A/N: Hello! ZirciX present here... sorry I've put a pause on Rose Otto, I had to figure out the plot before writing the rest of it. This is a little one-shot inspired by Clio S.S.'s work called Happiness. Here's the link if you want to check it out. .net/s/6095104/1/Happiness**

**This contains no romance, because lately I've felt that the word 'love' is being used to describe romanctic sentiments only, so I wanted to put in a bit of friendship with Okita Souji-san and an OC. I did a little research on Shinsengumi, and it seems that Okita died of tuberculosis right after the last war where Hijikata Toshizo died and the Shinsengumi fell apart. That's basically all the background information you need to know. Enjoy~**

**P.S. I understand very well that I suck at poetry... I'm the worst poet in the world, as far as I know. XD Please excuse me if my poems insult you.**

_At hard times…_

_Because I have eyes to see the infinite blue sky,_

_I am blissful_

_Because I have a heart that contains my cherished memories,_

_I am grateful_

_On nights when I cannot fall asleep…_

_Because I have the ears to hear the warmth of the stars,_

_I am content_

_When I'm sad…_

_Because I have a smile to share with myself in the mirror,_

_I am satiated_

_Because I have the voice to call out the names of people dear to me,_

_I am a blessed person_

_On the battlefield, when I lose all my energy and no strength is left for me to keep walking,_

_Because I have my sorrow to lean on,_

_I am relieved_

_Despite my own grieves…_

_Because I have two hands that can help people who suffer from greater despair,_

_I am a fortunate person_

_I have nothing valuable in my possession,_

_But because I have the spirit to leave a small message for my friends, families,_

_I am a joyful person_

_Because even when I know there's only death for me, feelings are left lingering in this world,_

_I have hope._

I miss you, Natsume. – Okita Souji

A raven black haired girl stepped hesitantly into the former building of Shisengumi's living quarters. The world had been covered in a layer of pure whiteness, and she stood in the middle of the courtyard, shivering madly. Her name was Natsume, named after the season she was born in. Her eyes darted back and forth, taking in every detail and cautiously watching as if someone would jump out and kill her anytime, but the eerie silence followed, and no presence of a living animal could be detected.

She dashed from room to room, opening every door to see if anyone was present. All the rooms were neatly cleaned and the futons were folded into stacks in the corner. The musty smell of dust hung heavily in the air, indicating that the building was deserted for a long time. She exhaled slowly, watching the column of breath go up into the grey sky. The trees were barren, the buildings empty. She was alone.

Natsume remembered the times she spent in the garden of this very place, just a couple years ago, when she was invited to stay by Souji. Anytime now, it seemed as though he and the other members of Shinsengumi would pop out in front of her face, startling her as they always did. Then, like any other wintry days, Chizuru would bring tea for everyone, showing her earnest smile. But those days were over. She remembered clearly the last words Souji had spoken to her. _"You don't belong here. Move on, and forget that you ever met us."_ Clutching the delicate piece of paper, Natsume held back a sob that was lurking dangerously at her throat. She wanted to collapse and cry out her heart until they came back to fetch her from the afterworld. She was tired of being alone.

Natsume had once experienced a taste of death. It had shocked her to the point of fainting, but the fear did not originate from facing the unknown territory that the gods controlled. She feared that Souji and everyone else would forget her. Being an orphan and a street rat, she always lived with certainty that she'd never be remembered by anyone else, and the horror grasped her heart all the time. It became her motivation of survival. After the encounter with Shinsengumi, though, that dread slowly started to melt away. She thought that those peaceful days would continue on forever until they all died of old age. How naïve I was to dream on about such absurdity, Natsume thought.

At first, Natsume hated the damned world for stealing away the one place she belonged to, the only people she considered dear. Cruelly, the world continued on as if nothing had happened. Time flowed slowly, but steadily, as she watched the seasons come and go. Next year, the sakura trees will bloom, and the birds will chirp. The greenery would sprout once more, and the snow will dissolve into spring, the season of birth. But they wouldn't be here anymore, the most important of all. Natsume had sworn that she would never kill a person after Shinsengumi's downfall, because she wasn't ready to pile the burden of death upon her shoulders yet. Who knew if the people she harmed were dear to others as much as Shinsengumi had meant for Natsume? People, no matter how great their sins were, didn't deserve to be killed. That would be hurting innocent people as well, the ones who considered the sinners precious.

Finally, unable to hold herself back anymore, Natsume burst out crying. The hot tears scorched her cheeks instantly, but the trace of heat quickly disappeared into the cold wind. Reminiscing about the times she shared together with Shinsengumi, she slid down against the wooden pillar of the hallway, curling into a ball. _"Do you like sakura?""The moon looks best reflected on the surface of a sake cup." "I've never enjoyed festivals so much before today!" _Voices, so many voices, filled her head.

"_Ne, minna,watashi wo sukidesu ka_? _Watashi wa minna o honto ni aishite ita_. _Tsuretteite_. S_hinitai. Anata wa watashi-tachi ga itsumo issho ni iru nda to sa rete inai nodesu ka? Souji, kotaete! … Kotaete, onegai…" _Her thick voice was coated with despair. The soft snow continued to fall down, absorbing all sounds and noises in the surrounding.

Hours passed as Natsume lay on the cold hardwood floor, unmoving. Her black kimono was creased and wrinkled, and the silver obi loosened, but she paid no attention. Her eyes shut close, refusing to let out any more tears. No more, she thought, I can't bear through this by myself anymore. If this was what Souji would've called running away, she couldn't care less. Right now, she just wanted to embrace and welcome Death, and let the warmth of her body escape. She would choose the eight people that took her in than the cold, merciless world that she felt no familiarity with.

Several days later, a young girl about seventeen or eighteen was found dead by a villager on the porch of the Shinsengumi living quarter. There was a permanent smile frozen on her beautiful face with tears at the tip of her chin, facing the sky as if in silent apology to the Dead. In her hands, there was a piece of rice paper crumpled up into a ball. A flurry of black, hastened hiragana read:

The snow may erase

The traces of their footsteps

But it will not take

The nostalgic memories

Of times we can't return to

The little Japanese romaji says:

_Hey, everyone, did you ever like me? I loved you all so, very much. Take me with you. I want to die. Didn't you say that we'll always be together? Souji, answer me!... Answer me, please..._

A/N: So... how was that? Please R&R. Constructive criticisms are welcome.


End file.
